HA HA HA I HAVEN’T FAPPED SINCE APRIL ON CAM WITH JACOB WHOOPS SHIT hahahahas;fha;wegarewgt ergeh;v

I’m too high for blogging lol

Now that I actually know it feels to just sleep in the same bed as someone else, to feel their warmth all night and hold their hand, to wake up and see their peaceful face and slow, rhythmic breath…

I hate sleeping alone. Even if it was just Matt, my gay best friend. It meant so much. For once, I didn’t feel completely alone.

I like Joshua far more than I wish I did at this point. He still loves Olivia for some reason. It sucks.

I just really want someone to love me back for once.

How have I allowed myself to become THIS attached to people I’ll never meet. Why would I think I might ever actually meet you guys? Why would I think our friendships would last? Everything comes to an end and this feels like it. I hate it so much but what I’ve done feels irreparable. There’s no going back to the way we used to be. I’ve fucked everything up and now I feel lonely and depressed. It’s my fault, it’s all my fault.

I wish I could talk to you. It feels like it’s been forever. I hate this.

I don’t know if you’re ignoring my texts or something or if your phone is off but I wanna talk to you but I don’t know what to talk about and I just feel dumb like I always feel dumb now and I wish everything was normal again but I don’t even know what normal is anymore and today is AWFUL

I miss you. I’m sorry. Repeat x10000000

I haven’t posted on here in months. I felt like tonight would be a good time to post considering everything that’s happened. All of this shit with Jacob and then Haley getting mad, it really sucks.

There are things I want to put on here but know they’d hurt Haley so I just keep them to myself. I don’t want to do anything more to her than I already have. I fucked shit up. It sucks a lot. All of these emotions and stuff are just awful. I never meant for this to happen, I’m not sure what I expected to happen.

I want things to be normal again. I want my best friend back already. I don’t want to lose Haley, ever, at all. I love Haley and I would never try to hurt her and I feel horrible that I did.

Okay so you say people keep asking where I am but….you haven’t even texted to ask me if I’m alright. No one has. It definitely doesn’t make me feel good when none of my “friends” text me to ask how I am. Whatever I don’t give a shit.

I told Beth how I wanted to kill myself. I’m being evaluated by a doctor for whether I need meds or not. I think I do. Mom doubts it, as usual. I’m starting weight watchers with her. I have to go to work like, now but I’m not dressed. I work with Victoria, April, and Steve tonight. I’m so glad I don’t close. I need money now. Wow wait I get paid in two days, fuck yeah. I need to learn how to manage life and living and like, not wanting to die and stuff. I need motivation and determination and self respect. I need to get ready for work. It’s 4:20. That damn number.

I don’t know what kind of mood I’m in because it feels like my mind is basically blank and it’s pretty serene but I also feel really lonely because I’m not really thinking about anything. I still want to kill myself. I just don’t know how. I don’t see any point of living to be quite honest. I feel like I’m not going to amount to anything and continuing with school and life is just stupid. Oh well, I’ll need to tell Beth about these feels.

What if Jaraad comes out as gay? That’ll really suck. That’ll mean I have two good friends who are really attractive and sweet and perf but gay. I just want to kiss Jaraad on the face region preferably the lip area omg he’s so cute.

I miss Taylor beyond words. He’s completely in love with Alana though I think. They’re still friends which is a bit odd to me in a way but idk it’s normal. There’s always part of me that’s gonna wish Taylor liked me. I feel like I’ve known him so long and he and I have this like, bond but really I’ve not known him THAT long and we’re not THAT close. He’ll always have a piece of my heart. He’s the only boy I’ve never told I have a crush on. It should stay like that.

It frustrates me to no end that Henry and Erin are still together. It almost makes me sick. Literally, I see them together and feel queasy. It’s the worst feeling. I love Henry so so so much and I don’t know what I’d do without him and the fact that he and Erin are so happy just makes me jealous and mad and god I hate it. I want Henry to realize how strong my feelings are and just come and be like “Abigail I’ve loved you from the moment we became friends please be my girlfriend.”

I really just want someone to ask me to be their girlfriend. I think it’d make me happier than I’ve ever been. To be truly wanted by someone else. God that’s all I want, seriously.

I need gasoline and vinyl and books and motivation and money and sleep.